Going to sleep – The bad nights

There are days I have complete control over my little ADHD devil, I get things done, my mind doesn’t wonder, I am focussed and happy. But when I get tired at the end of these days, and I’m ready to go to bed, as soon as I lay down the not-so-little-anymore ADHD devil appears, my bed seems to be his favorite place. He brings all his tools to make sure I’ll definitely not get the sleep I so desperately need to have another day of being in control.

Usually it starts with me overthinking the next day, did I prepare everything, didn’t I forget something, do I haven enough time to do everything I need to do, and usually, by overthinking these things I come up with something that is actually not important at all but needs to happen that next day. I come up with things like giving myself something nice and special to eat, go for haircut, buy a new dress, a new plant or a game, or doing laundry so I don’t have to do it on my regular laundry day. I come up with things that I really don’t have to do the next day, the day will be fine without me doing them, but my ADHD brain just forces me to make things a bit more complicated, it seems to never be ok with the things I’m planning on doing, it’s never good enough, there always has to be more. So I come up with an unnecessary stupid thing and then the planning starts, when can I do this thing, before work, during lunch, after work or after I come back from the gym. I start analyzing all the options, and even second guessing the planning I had for the next day, should I not have lunch and leave the office later, should I go to the gym before work instead of after or should I even skip the gym so I can do this unnecessary thing.

When I start changing the planning I had for the next day, I notice that ADHD has taken over and I need to stop. The next day will be fine, I don’t need to do more, I just need to sleep and stick to whatever is on my agenda. I know that watching a series can distract me from the overthinking and makes me sleepy so this is what I do after realizing the ADHD devil has been using his dark powers to keep me from sleep. The minute I start watching anything, I start getting tired again, it seems to work, but this tiredness is just not strong enough, not stronger than the annoying devil.

The second time the devil takes over, he makes me think about the things I have to do right now, did I turn down the heating, did I turn off the light in the bathroom, did I feed my rabbit. He makes me get up and check all the things I had done before I went to bed the first time. Tiring. At this point I decide I probably need some exercise and relaxation before I’ll be able to sleep and start a yoga routine, even if it’s 2 AM. I get my mat, move my body and end with some meditation. This time I’m not entering the bed without the tv turned on and I won’t turn it off until the next morning, when I wake up feeling tired and frustrated, because once again the ADHD devil took over control. The next day I’ll definitely not forget to practice some meditation before I’ll try to sleep. But I just wish I did not need these nights to make me remember, I wish I could just do it and fall asleep peacefully every night.

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