Today I found a letter I got from my sister last Christmas. In the letter she tells me how proud she is of me, how proud she is of how I was able to deal with everything that happened and still be great at my job, how proud she is of how I changed my lifestyle and how proud she is of the person that I had become that year. It hurts a lot to read this now, I am far from this person she was so proud of, in a way I feel like I cheated, that everything I did last year was just fake, it was just a shield to deal with my emotions, and her being proud of that shield hurts me, it hurts me that nobody in my life was able to see past it, that it was so good that everyone believed it was the real me.
This makes me wonder, what is the real me? Am I someone that really likes a healthy life so much, am I a real vegan or do I really like to workout 2 hours a day? I am not sure. I know this all helped me a lot, and I know that exercise plays an important role in managing my ADHD brain, but I think I went too far. I never went for a drink with colleagues, a lunch with friends or even a night for myself because I wanted to go to the gym, I choose working out over everything else, and for a while I loved it. My body was changing in a really good way, my percentage of fat dropped below 19 percent, my visceral fat even dropped to 1 percent, and my metabolic age dropped to 12. I looked (and still do) amazing, but was this worth giving up everything else in my life?
I don’t think so, I think I have missed out on a lot of things in the past year, and I think that just focussing on creating the best possible body for myself is far from listening to what I really want. I never allowed myself a workout free day, time to relax, a glass of wine, a piece of chocolate or any food that did not fit in my ” whole food plant based diet”. I did not allow myself any fun or any time to relax. My boyfriend told me 2 months ago: “You should find your balance“. Balance is the hardest thing there is, for me, I either do things completely or not at all, balance means exploring this grey area in between and whatever belongs to this area gives me some trouble, although I know that I need to put things in the grey area, I need to become balanced in order to live a normal life.
After I started thinking about this balance I started noticing that I did not enjoy about half of the time I spend in the gym, I did not enjoy most of the food I was eating, I did definitely not enjoy all the times I had to say not to my social life because I was going to the gym and I did not enjoy that the amount of friends I had from before was close to 0, they all gave up after me saying no to them so many times. I noticed that I did not live my life the way I wanted and I was far away from the person I once was and loved. So little sister, thank you for being proud, but you should have seen that I was doing the impossible, that I was changing so much that there could be no way that the same me was still enjoying my life, thank you for once again being proud of a person I am not, a fake version of me, the only versions you seem to like.