People that don’t know me that well see me as a person that is confident, strong and in control of her life, but when I’m at home, the real me comes out, I see a person that is the complete opposite. I wear a mask, a non ADHD mask, but when this comes off, the scars caused by my ADHD become visible. They’re not like normal scars, they didn’t left a mark on my body but they still cause me to have mental pain, they still effect the way I think, about myself and the world around me. One of these scars causes me to be very insecure, something that effects not only me as a person, but also the way I interact with other people, or how I do my job. Secretly this insecurity is part of my everyday life, secretly it is the reason that people see me as a person that is confident.
As a child I was always rejected, by other children, by my parents, by teachers, everyone always found a part of me that wasn’t good enough, that wasn’t supposed to be there. They way I looked, the way I played, the way I talked, there was always a part that was not accepted, there was always a part I was punished for. Especially in the first years of high school I felt like an alien, a kid that did not belong anywhere or with anyone. At school I got bullied, for being the first girl to get boobs, for wearing glasses, for having the wrong haircut, for wearing the wrong clothes, for not being like the other kids, for being smart, for not playing a team sport, for saying the wrong things. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I would never fit in, I would never find anyone to like me, to appreciate me and because of this, after I think the first year I started hiding parts of me, I started hiding myself from the world and tried to turn myself into a person I thought would be accepted by the other kids in school. I gave up swimming, I started wearing contacts, I got a boyfriend because all the cool girls had a boyfriend, I choose clothes not because I liked them, but because the other girls where wearing them I tried to turn into a copy of the popular girls, hoping they would start accepting me, but they never did, they kept seeing me as the weird girl that did not belong.
When I turned 15, after 3 years of trying to fit in, being bullied at school and being both emotionally and physically abused, I figured I needed a different approach to survive the remaining 3 years of high school. The previous years I spend mostly alone, crying, cutting myself, thinking about ways to leave this world, and I knew I would not be able to take this another 3 years. This year I started building the walls that still surround and protect me today, I started to change myself into a person that would be strong, without emotion, untouchable and unbreakable. In this stage of my life was focussed on two things, one was creating distance between myself and the world around me, build a shield that would make it impossible for people to hurt me, or even come close to me. Secondly I was experimenting with drugs and alcohol to manage the continuous rush of thoughts that was in my head, I was trying to find ways to slow down my brain and make everything that was going on in there more understandable for myself.
I can write books about this part of my life, but this is for another time, what is important here, is that by the time I went to University, by the time I got my ADHD diagnosis, I had completed my mask, my walls and my shield and from this time I tried to take it off as less as possible, it felt safe. I had turned into a person that seemed confident and strong, I forced myself to never show my real thoughts to the world, to always be above everyone to never let anyone hurt me. But inside I am still this little girl that just wants to belong somewhere or with someone, that just wants to be appreciated, a little girl that is actually really sensitive and vulnerable. Whenever I meet a new person I’ll think that this person will not like me, whenever I receive some criticism about me work I beat myself up for not being better, whenever I hear people laughing in my surroundings I think they should be laughing about me, whenever I have a tough time I figure my friends won’t like me enough to be there for me, whenever I buy clothes that I really love but can attract a bit of attention I only wear them when I’m alone.
I am extremely insecure, I’m still extremely afraid of what other people might think of me, maybe because I have been misunderstood, punished and lonely for so many years. Slowly this gets better, slowly I gain a little confidence, each time people do except me or do like the things I do I feel a little more positive about myself. But getting to a point at which I’ll be truly confident will take time, self-love and acceptance and the right people to support me, to love me, every part of me. Over the past few year I notice I already grew a lot when it comes to confidence, but it will just take more time to recover from all those years that I not only felt worthless, but also was called worthless, all those things that made me believe I was worthless.
To read more about the things that made me insecure as a child and the struggles I have encountered that left their scars, that shaped me and effected me even until today, read https://30dysadhd.wordpress.com/2020/03/02/adhd-life-love-and-struggles-struggles-adhd-childhood-struggles/