Fighting the ADHD devil – DAY 9

The complete numbness that has taken over my emotions and thoughts seems to effect my writing. I have so many thoughts in my head, things I want to write down but every sentence I create seems empty, not telling the story I want to tell. I started about 4 different posts, but they all seem to miss the point of what I want to tell, I am just not able to express my thoughts. This is not only reflecting in my writing but also in my conversations. I just can not seem to express myself. I start getting embarrassed, I seem to not be able to have a conversation with anyone, whenever I want to say something I seem to freeze, I get lost. I am used to this in a way, due to my ADHD my thoughts can run faster than I can express them, and while I’m talking I get lost in my thoughts, forgetting the one I was talking about. But this seems different, my thoughts seem to move on normal speed, maybe even slower, everything seems a bit slow these days, it is not that I loose the thoughts that are in my head, it is just that they seem not to develop to a level to which I can express them.

Yesterday my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to eat something, a pretty easy question you might think. But yesterday this was not easy, I knew I wasn’t hungry at that time, but since it was 3 PM and I did not have eaten anything the answer should be yes. However, the moment these two answers seemed to come together in my brain I started crying, I did not know the answer. When he asked me why I was crying I could not tell him, I could not express the two colliding thoughts until 30 minutes later, maybe this is the time it takes me now to process this small amount of information? Right now I have 34 unread messages on my phone, all with question like “how are you?“, or “can I do something for you? “, but even looking at them gives me stress, they have been piling up since Saturday, I am late to reply and I just don’t know the answer to these questions. Everything seems to much right now.

The funny thing is that I start wondering if I should stop taking my Ritalin. I know this is probably the worst thing to do, I mean, I just got my ADHD devil under control, my mind has just slowed down. But it seems to be too slow right now, I seem so numb, so empty. I have always love and hated my medication, it makes me able to focus, it makes me able to catch my thoughts, to make me in control of my brain, but they also make me feel like a robot, without feelings or emotions, and what if experiencing these right now is actually what I need. I mean, the reason I’m home instead of in the office, is to slow down and face the emotions that I have been storing somewhere far away in my brain. I have to let them come out, I have to feel them, but here I am taking the pills that actually make me store emotions, that make me unable to feel anything. It seems to be contradictory. But what will happen if I stop taking them? I remember myself from two weeks ago, completely lost in my ADHD, is this better than the way I feel right now, was I then more myself than I am now? I’m not sure anymore, I have no idea what is good for me at this point. I just can’t wait till it’s Thursday , till I can finally discuss these things with my doctor, start working on a solution for this feeling of being completely lost.

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