I’m writing this with a glass of wine in my hand and a grilled cheese sandwich on my plate. For about 9 months I have been a health freak, I did not drink any alcohol and I ate only plant based food but now my brain turned dark, and I can no longer continue to value these things in life, they are no longer of any meaning to me. In the past two weeks I barely ate, I barely drunk, I barely showered and I barely slept. So I have to reset my goals, lower the expectations of myself, and start again at the very beginning.
My workout plan has changed from two hours of boxing, spinning or weightlifting a day, to 30 minutes walking or cycling, and even for this I have to force myself, even this takes a lot of energy. I sleep a lot, also during the day and the time time that I’m awake I just be, I think, write down what I think and cry. Even the simplest tasks, like putting laundry for a wash or buy some groceries seem to take too much energy, I’m just too tired. And if I do get up to do whatever I want myself to do, I pay for it, afterwards I need to sleep for an hour or two. I’ve never felt this weak in my life, I don’t recognize this lazy person. And when I realize how far I am away from being myself I get angry, panicked and sad. I have times I just want to get up and go to the office, continue my normal life, pretend I am ok, pretend nothing is wrong. But I also know that if I find the power to do this it will not last long, after some hours , or maybe a day, I’ll break again, maybe even worse than last time.
So for now I’ll have to keep exploring my mind, open up to myself, sleep and cry. In a while I’ll go to my boyfriend, since I’m home I try to end my days with him, where I can feel safe and a little happy. Until his alarm rings in the morning and he has to go to work, then it’s time for me to face myself again.
PS. For the readers that have been reading my posts for a while. I changed my name today, from my first one into my second name, the one I never use. Since I’m writing about things that are very personal to me, things I definitely not talk about in my normal life, I wanted to create a bit of protection, a way for me to be able to write about everything, without having to be afraid that for example a colleague might read this and look at me differently in the office. I figured, since nobody knows my second name, it would be perfect to use to talk about the things (almost) nobody knows about me.