Yesterday I did not write, I wasn’t able to. Once I stopped fighting my emotions and gave in to just being, I started crying, and this continued for about 7 hours. I did not know what I was crying about, and I also could not stop it, it just needed to happen, without a clear reason. Maybe because I was exhausted, because I did not cry for months, because I did not recognize myself, because of all the things that happened, but it just needed to come out, all at once. It was weird to cry like this, usually I cry because I’m sad about a specific thing and while crying I’m finding a solution for this, so when I stop I know how to prevent the thing that made me cry from happening again or how to solve the problem I’m experiencing. But this was different, I had no clue why I was crying, there wasn’t a sad idea in my head that made it happen there wasn’t a specific reason. I could not argue with myself how to stop, how to make things better, crying just took over, and while my head was empty the tears rolled down my cheeks, for 7 hours.
I have to admit I’m not sure this is caused by my ADHD. Yes, emotions are experienced stronger in ADHD brains but I did not really have an emotion, not like how emotions can usually take over my mind because of ADHD. I wasn’t feeling sad, I was just feeling empty, or feeling nothing, or maybe feeling so much I could not feel how I was feeling, like how my ADHD can make me think things I can not catch, I can not talk about. It was a new experience, but maybe one for the good. After the 7 hours I slowly stopped, and life became a little more bright. After this I build myself a self-love tent, with bed sheets around the bed and candles everywhere. I could just lay there, be, and fall asleep, I felt a little bit of relaxation for the first time in a long time.
I have to stop hiding my emotions in the future. I learned myself to do this, maybe because the extreme ( ADHD ) emotions in my childhood where always punished, and I told myself it would be better to just not show emotions, to just pretend everything is ok. But now I learned the hard way that emotions are actually a good thing and although I should never go back to the complete unfiltered expression of my emotions, I should allow them to just be there sometimes, especially also the negative ones, they make me human.
Today I feel a lot better, still sometimes I notice tears rolling down my cheeks and still I am extremely exhausted, but I also feel a little relieved, relieved that I finally opened up to myself, allowed the part of me that I have been hiding to just come out en be there. Relieved that I am once again true to myself, that this is a big first step towards loving myself again. I mean, I have to learn how to accept every part of me.
” I, Anna, take you, Anna, to be my lawfully self, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.“
If two people can say this to each other, I have to be able to say it to myself, to all the parts of me, not only the good. And accepting all the parts is a great first step in learning how to love them.