Fighting the ADHD devil – DAY 6 – And how I am completely not ok.

Everything seems empty. My medication started working but I don’t feel better. My head is empty, but still I’m not able to focus, still I forget everything. What is wrong with me? I really thought that, as soon as the Ritalin would kick in, I would be back to being my normal self, but I’m far from being that person, I’m for from being ok. I had to admit to myself that I am not ok, and there might me more going on then just an overload of ADHD symptoms, there might be much more wrong with me than I thought. Today I had to admit it when I was crying at the grocery store because they had too many options for me to choose from, I can not go on like this any longer.

I called the doctor for an appointment, and when the receptionist asked me what was wrong I could just cry. When I tried to focus on my work I had to fight my tears, and I ran outside every 16 minutes, just to not cry in front of my colleagues. After lunch I decided that I could no longer do this, I had to admit that I was not strong enough anymore. I talked to my boss, and luckily he understood me, especially with everything that had been going on the previous year, I should have taken some time to mentally deal with this, but I never did, and now it’s all here. I feel exhausted, like all my tiredness from the past year has been saved in a secret drawer somewhere, just for this day, to give it all back to me, all at once. I am home now, but I can’t stop crying, I am not even sure why I’m crying, I just really need to cry at this point, again maybe tears that have been stored somewhere for over a year? I have no idea how to get past this point, and the first appointment for professional help will take a week, so until this I have to do it alone. I think for now it is ok if I just cry, and sleep. Give in to this extreme exhaustion. Maybe after a good night (and afternoon) of sleep I’ll be able to start some things I used to love doing, yoga for example, or reading. But for now everything seems too much, and I am too exhausted and the only thing I’ll do today is cry and sleep, and that is fine. I think this is what I needed for a long time.

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