Easy right? Making a rice cracker with a pre-cut slice of vegan cheese should be the easiest thing in the world. For me however this process can take some very long hours with a lot of detours, frustration and possibilities to never succeed. Let me describe the proces:
It is a Sunday, around 1 pm I figure out I did not eat yet, so I should take care of my body and give it some energy. So first I have to figure out what to eat. I know I only have some rice crackers and vegan cheese in the fridge, still I will spend some time thinking about what to eat, should I go out for groceries and eat something nice? I start thinking of all the possible lunch recipes, calculating the effort it will cost to go to the store, buy the ingredients and prepare the food and compare this to the joy it will give me compared to the vegan cheese rice cracker I can just make within 30 seconds (it could be faster but I know I have to count some extra time with these things). I do this for about five to 10 recipes (I should really fix the not working number five on my keyboard!), and no matter the recipe, the time of day or the state I’m in, I always end up with a negative score, the quick vegan cheese rice cracker seems the best option here, so I should get up and get it.
But then I start thinking about delivery. I mean, I could treat myself with something nice to eat, I deserve it! So I open up the app and scroll through all the possible options, too many! I start analyzing myself, which type of food would I really like at this moment? I don’t know, I can not choose from this limitless amount of options. Even on the days I for example think: “Mexican will be super nice today!” I end up failing. I mean, there are so many Mexican restaurants delivering and they all have so many different dishes, there is no way of knowing if I will choose the right thing! Usually it takes me about 30 minutes of panicing over a way to choose what to order before I realize I could have made 60 vegan cheese rice crackers, so I’m waisting my time, let’s make the vegan cheese rice cracker!
But now I have to start making it, and I’m just not ready to do it yet. I just overused my brain with calculating and trying to choose, I need some time to recover from this. I tell myself I can play a stupid game on my phone for 16 minutes, after that I have to get up and do it. But here comes the strange thing about time, I keep looking at the clock after every level I play, I count down, 7 more minutes, 6 more minutes, 4 more minutes, 1 more minute and then, all of a sudden I’m 10 minutes late, I have failed. And instead of seeing this as the moment to get up and start making the vegan cheese rice cracker I give myself again a time, shorter this time, maybe 10 minutes, but again, off course, I fall into the same trap and I fail.
Now this process of making myself some really easy food took about 1.6 hours but most importantly it gave me a lot of self hate. I did not only not made the rice cracker, I also was not able to get up and do groceries, I was not able to choose the food I like and I was not able to manage time, I spent 1.6 hours in failing in everything I think I should be able to do, I expect myself to be able to do. I get angry, get up and want to show the world that I am able to make this stupid vegan cheese rice cracker.
But then I discover I’m thirsty, so I’ll make some tea, go outside smoke a cigarette and when I come back in I see a plant that needs some water. I’ll go to the kitchen to get the water and discover that I was actually supposed to make some food, but I can first do the water maybe. I should actually throw away the flowers I have, I should rearrange some of the plants now the flowers are gone, I should go and buy some new candles, maybe I can go and paint the wall green? FOCUS ON THE FOOD! Ok, I’m back in the kitchen, I got the rice cracker, I got the cheese, now I need a plate but I should use the one that’s still on the living room table from yesterday, why am I in the living room, I should turn off the tv, now I’m back in the kitchen but I’m missing something, this is why I was in the living room, because of the plate, maybe I should put this book back in the closet, why is there toothpaste on the living room table as well, it should be in the bathroom, why am I standing in the bathroom with a plate? Yes, I’m almost finished, I put the slice of cheese on top of the rice cracker and start eating. What shall I do next?