While the last 2 days where all about looking for peace, taking things easy and listening to myself, today it was time to get back to the real life. Going to the office, socialize with colleagues and seeing my boyfriend after his week in Greece where on the agenda, and to be honest, I feel like I wasn’t ready for this yet.
I woke up at 6.46 and got to the offie at 9.30. Now ADHD had taken over my brain I know it will take a lot if time for me to prepare for the day, that’s why I put my alarm really early. I played a game on my phone; this is the way for me to mentally prepare myself to get out of the house. On good days I only have to play for about 10 minutes to feel ready to start whatever will be happening that day, but today it took me more than 1 hour and 30 minutes before I could get up from the couch and start playing my shower music. For some reason it is impossible for me to take a shower without this music, I even have to admit that before the time of smartphones and Spotify I rarely took a shower, maybe because without this music, the shower became a silent place, filled with thoughts that moved too fast. So each morning I play the same music to get me in the shower, and in the shower I have an orgasm, to get me to the office, and in the office I have a cigarette with a coffee and some Ritalin, to get me to start working.
But today my Ritalin did not do its job. Off course my brain started slowing down a little, things became less chaotic, but just a little bit and I was still unable to work. I was chatting with all of my
colleagues, I started writing this, I checked the flight of my boyfriend, I walked through my model and came up with stories about all the people we have put in it, I called my grandma, well I basically did everything but not what I was supposed to do, and nothing longer then about a minute. Strangely I did feel happy during this, it was a good kind of chaos, and even though I could not focus on anything I was able to follow my brain and the thoughts going one in there where happy thoughts. Even when I found out my boyfriends flight got delayed more than 3 hours I was ok, completely chaotic, but ok.
I noticed also a little difference in my communication to people. I’m more open, more honest. Yesterday I decided to stop pretending things are just fine, always. Today I actually started doing this. I told my boss about how the lack of medication was kind of fucking up my brain and I couldn’t focus, when people asked me how my weekend had been I didn’t reply with the standard good but actually told then it was a hard one. I like this honesty, I noticed with my boss for example that he became more friendly once I told him, he wasn’t angry or annoyed that I was less (read: not at all) capable of doing my work, he joked about it, we laughed together, and it was ok that I was not ok. So I should definitely keep this up, at least for now, I trust that honesty about my situation and feelings can create good things, for me and the people I care about.