3 times me

I feel like I am made up by 3 different people, all me, but all completely different, fighting over control over my brain.

The first me is the me I like, the Happy-me, the person that finds joy in little things, has control over herself, gets things done when they need to be done and feels relaxed. It is the me that can filter emotion and logic and creates ideas about herself, set goals both professional and social. It is the me that is in control, the me that can decide to concentrate or to wonder, to reason or to feel, to laugh or to cry. It is the me in which everything seems balanced, the way it is supposed to be.

The second me is the Ritalin me, or as I call her, the Robot-me. A person that might be closer to a computer system then it is to an actual person. I love this part of me when it comes to work or when it’s about reaction to feelings. It’s a completely logical version of me, everything seems to be a simple result of a simple formula, everything makes sense, emotions seem to become irrelevant. This me gets things done but also needs to get things done. There is no room to relax for this part of me, I feel like I have to perform, do things, make things, be better than everyone else. In a way the first me likes this second me, without this me I would not have the degree or the job I have right now, I would not have this house with self built furniture, I would have had a completely different life. But in the second me there is no space for happiness, nor sadness, nor any kind of human feeling. I feel completely blank, I don’t interact with other people, I don’t even interact with myself it seems, and it is almost impossible for the first me to fight the second me when it comes to controlling my brain. Like they say about AI, computers will become superior to humans, the daily war between Happy-me and Robot-me shows that this might be true.

The third me is the ADHD me, the Devil-me, the me that’s taken over by emotions and first impulses. Distracted, impatient, chaotic, anxious, sensitive, emotional and fidgety. But also passionate, creative, humorous, active, spontaneous and loving. This me has no control, no filters, no logic. All I do when my brain is taken over by the Devil-me is react in first impulses, fight, flight or freeze, or in my case: get angry, stay in bed the whole day or find a little corner to cry. This me is also the me that works on the highest speed, when this Devil-me takes over my thoughts, my head starts exploding, I feel every emotion caused by my surroundings and start connecting these emotions with things that do not even have anything to do with each other. It feels like a colorful explosion, like fireworks, filling my whole head with a chaos of different colors and shapes, until I can see nothing but fireworks, without even understanding where they come from, I can just look at them, not at anything else, nor can I understand what is causing them.

After years of knowing I have ADHD I found a way to control the Devil-me, by taking my medication, exercise every day, take enough me-time and live a relatively simple life the Devil-me is controlled. And when it comes to the fight between the Happy-me and the Robot-me I decided to accept the Robot me on weekdays from 9:00 – 17:00 and on weekends from 10:00 – 14:00, the hours I’m on medication. The rest of the time belongs to the Happy-me and the hours on medication are just enough to keep away the Devil-me. And this works, as long as I keep the right balance.

Every time I think I’m fine and I mastered the art of having ADHD, I start taking a little less of my medication, I mean it seems I’m in control of the Devil-me, so I don’t need the Robot-me anymore to control it, I can be more of the Happy-me. And first I always feel fine, great even. I feel more happy, more creative, more passionate, more loving, I feel better. But what I don’t realize is that this feeling of greatness is not the Happy-me, secretly it is the Devil-me slowly taking away the filters and speeding up my brain. And by the time I discover this, the Devil-me has already taken over the Happy-me and too quickly I change to feeling sad and out of control over myself, and it will take me weeks before I have found the proper balance again.

I just hope that one day, these 3 sides of me will agree with each other, and together create one unified me that I will love with all the 3 of me.

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