It has been a year, a normal year, a year in which I thought I finally mastered the art of having ADHD. I was going to a boring job every day, cooked proper dinner and lunch, spend at least 6 hours a week at the gym, cleaned my house (at least no dishes, trash or clothes where found by a sudden visitors) and in general, I was just ok. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t angry, I was just completely ok, for the first time in my life.
But a couple of months ago things started changing without me even realizing it. It got harder to get to the gym each day. It got harder to get to the office on time. It got harder to do groceries and cook for the whole week on Sundays. It got harder to wake up and it got harder to go to bed. Without me even noticing, the things that had become normal for me, suddenly started to require more energy. But still I continued doing them and felt ok. Besides I started a relationship with the amazing man I had been dating for 7 months, and he loves the life I was living. Independent, motivated and full of energy.
But the more I started opening up to him, the more I started feeling. Instead of being just ok all the time I started feeling loved when he touched my noise, excited when we decided to go snowboarding together, sad when he didn’t have time for me on a day I thought I could see him, happy if we would go out together and even hungry if we would eat together, and I don’t ever feel hungry. Besides these feelings caused by him I also started feeling more in my own life, and questioning what I was doing with it. Why do I go spinning 2 times a week when I actually don’t enjoy it? Why do I spend the whole Sunday afternoon cooking for the coming week when I could do so many other things? And why do I go to my job every morning even though I hate what I’m doing there? I started feeling, and over analyzing these feelings and slowly my brain started speeding up.
Then I got sick, the flu, the real one. Because I was sleeping the whole day I didn’t take my medication and by the time I got better it was time to go on our snowboarding holiday, and when I’m on holiday I don’t take medication, because I don’t like the way the pills make me feel, I thought. Without me even noticing I had spend 2 weeks without my medication, my brain secretly ended up traveling at the speed of light and by the time I realized this it was too late, I completely lost all control.
And this is where I am now, in a deep, scary and extremely black hole of ADHD. It has been 5 days since I’m back from my holiday, I haven’t been to the gym once, I didn’t eat a proper meal, I’m writing this on a couch used as a rabbit toilet filled with dirty laundry, and most importantly, I have no idea who I am anymore. I mean, I was capable of “doing the life” and now I’m all of a sudden unable to even take my coat off (seriously, I’ve been wearing it inside now for about two hours). I feel like something took over my brain, like I’m not in control of what’s happening in there, and the be honest, it’s so much of a chaos I don’t even have an idea of what’s going on. I feel like I lost all control, like I have to start all over again, I have to rebuild and find myself, all over again and I have no idea where to start but I hope writing about it will help me in finding a way.